if i can't love you
by bakamonkey13
Summary: Saix has broken Demyx's heart, along with his own. Now, he has no reason to live. Until a mission given to the Nocturne gives him a second chance for them to be together. Songfic. SaikuDemi.


Ha. Yeah, I know. I _should_ be updating if you're not the one, but when I was writing chapter three, my power got knocked out by a storm. And I hadn't saved it yet, since I was just about to finish - I was just gonna save it in a bit. And of course, click goes the power. So. I lost the entire chapter. And whenever I've tried to re-write it, it hasn't been as good. So I'm gonna think on it a while. And hopefully have it up soon. Until then...we have this. And maybe some random drabbles I've been thinking up.

I was watching my dance recital DVDs and one of the numbers was If I Can't Love You, which was sung by Chris Sizemore - who is kinda a local celeberity, he's a great singer and actor and has been in the national tour of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as Mike Teevee - and, at the same time, we had Danielle Scanlon - who is one of my dance instructor's "D.C. girls," and has won lots of national awards for her dances and such - dancing. And I was sitting there listening and the idea came to me. So. Here it is. If anyone has seen the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast, they should recognize the song. It's If I Can't Love Her, Beast's song at the end of Act I, after he's driven Belle away from the castle. And if you haven't seen it or heard the song - well - you should listen to it. It's an amazing song. I'll try to find a link to the mp3 if I can. Basic summary time. More angsty SaikuDemi! YAY! Yes...I'm starting to use Jap names for the couples. :D

Demyx was Saix's only saving grace. The only thing that kept him remotely driven. He wanted a heart because of Demyx. He wanted to feel love for the boy, _true _love from a _true_ heart. But just as they are starting to fall in love - Demyx finds out about Saix's inner demons. So to speak. AKA berserker. Saix instantly falls into a fit of despair and rage - now the boy would never love him. He tells Demyx to get out - to never bother him again. Demyx starts to object - but something about Saix's aura tells him that he should just leave before anything else happens. He runs away, doing his best not to look back. Saix loses all his motivation and becomes a mere shell, no drive behind him. He fights only because he has to. He could truely care less. If he can't love the Nocturne, he doesn't want to live. Set in 1st person POV of Saix, of course. Whoa. It's more Beauty and the Beast-esque than I meant it to be. Oh well.

Ahem. Well. Uh. Don't you guys know the drill? Damn.  
I don't own Kingdom Hearts or anything like that.  
I don't own Organization XIII or any other KH characters. Unless I'm RPing.  
I don't own Beauty & the Beast. Sadly.  
All I own is my merchandise and my brain. And sometimes I wonder about the brain.

ENJOY!

P.S.: Yes. I DID take the liberty of editing the lyrics a tad. All the "her"s and "she"s were annoying me. Demyx isn't a girl...even if he acts like it sometimes.

♥ **if i can't l.o.v.e you** ♥

_**And in my twisted face,  
There's not the slightest trace,  
Of anything that even hints at kindness.  
And from my tortured shape,  
No comfort, no escape.  
I see, but deep within is utter blindness.**_

"Saix - is it true? Is it true what Axel told me? Are you really -"

I kept my back turned to Number IX. I couldn't stand to look at him right then. No. I feared that when I did, I would see something that I didn't want to see. I feared that in his beautiful oceana eyes I would see fear, hate, and even revolt. He must have thought I was a beast. After all - that's all I was. Truely. I was. And as much as I hated it, the boy that I cared for more than anything, had learned of it. Now...we would never be together. I kept my eyes focused tightly on the moon - Kingdom Hearts. I was doing my best to hold in my anger. Not at Demyx, though. No. I currently wanted to find Axel and beat him within an inch of his miserable existance. But - that might not go over so well. XIII and IX were "best friends," as they called it. That might just make Demyx hate me even more. Not like it mattered now. Since he was never going to speak to me again after this. I took a deep breath and nodded slowly.

"Yes, Demyx. It is true. I am a berserker."

_And a monster._

I glanced at the Nocturne out of the corner of my eye. His expression was one of pure shock. And I even saw fear glinting in his gaze. That almost killed me. I felt like I wanted to run and jump off the top of the Altar of Naught and fall into oblivion and sink into nothingness. Anything would be better than seeing that look in Demyx's eyes. Much to my suprise, the blonde took a step in my direction. I spun around quickly. Was he insane? He should've been running away, not coming closer. He walked the rest of the way towards me, stopping right in front of me. I looked down at the small blonde, who was at least 6 inches shorter than me. He looked up at me, trapping me in those eyes of the sea. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to read me - see what I was thinking. I kept an even expression - emotionless in every sense of the word. Unreadable even to Demyx, who knew me like no one else did. He blinked and looked down sadly when he saw nothing. But then, he moved his arms to wrap around my waist. I froze, a quick intake of breath hissing through my clenched teeth.

"Saix..." he murmured, hugging me tightly. Normally, I would've instantly enveloped the small blonde in a tight embrace and whispered words of promise and comfort to him. But now - I was forcing myself not to. I kept my arms hanging limp, my hands clenching into fists as I fought against my instinct. No. He couldn't still care for me. It was impossible. He was just pitying me.

_You know that's not true._

_Do I, really?_

_Yes. You fool._

I knew what I had to do. And it was gonna kill me to do it. But I had no choice.

_**Hopeless,  
As my dream dies,  
As the time flies,  
Love a lost illusion.  
Helpless,  
Unforgiven,  
Cold and driven,  
To this sad conclusion.**_

"Demyx." I said, my tone calm but coated with a tone that suggested pure rage - a mask to conceal how I felt so broken that it didn't seem possible. I felt more than saw the Nocturne flinch at the tone. Then, I firmly took ahold of his shoulders and pushed him away. With more force than I had meant to. He stumbled and almost fell. And my resolve almost shattered into a million little pieces. He looked at me, utterly confused and devestated. I bite the inside of my lip, doing everything to control my emotions - even though I wasn't supposed to have any. "Demyx. Leave me. Don't come back."

"Saix - no! I'm not gonna leave you! I lo -"

"NO!" I yelled at him, cutting him off before his finished that sentence. He couldn't say it. Or I would never be able to do this. I wouldn't _let_ him say it. Because I wouldn't be able to do what I had to if he said those three words. Those three words that rendered me completely useless - except to return the words to him and pull him close and care for him. I would not hear it. My decision was the best for - not me - him. Now that he knew the truth - I couldn't allow him to be near me. My tendencies were purely monsterous. And if he knew, I felt that I would fall into a place of where it would come more often - because he would still love me no matter what I was like. Because he would, and we both knew it. He would stay with me, berserker or no. And I could not allow that. "Have you forgotten? We are NOBODIES. We do not have feelings. We cannot feel ANYTHING. LOVE INCLUDED."

He stared at me, tears welling in his eyes. I took a deep breath before turning my back to him. I couldn't look at him. I would rather die. Which is what was going to happen, of course. Without him - I had no reason. None at all. He drove me to do everything I did. Because I had promised him something not to long ago. But now...that promise was going to be shattered. And I wanted to die for doing that to him. I DESERVED to die for doing that to him. I heard him take in a shaking breath and knew he was about to cry. I growled in an animalistic way and I heard his footsteps as he took a step back, obviously frightened.

"Get out. NOW!" I yelled, looking at him over my shoulder. I watched him. And in that moment - I saw every bit of him that exuded joy and love, die as quickly as a flame on a candle when you blow it out. The light in his eyes died and the aura of joy that he had vanished. I felt something inside me clench in pain at what I had done to him. He took a step back and turned, walking away. I watched him. He had almost exited the room when I turned. I heard himstop but didn't look back. Then, his voice came - barely a hoarse and weak whisper.

"I always loved you...and that'll never change..." he said, his voice breaking. Then, he was gone, the door slamming shut behind him. I waited for a moment, making sure that he was gone. Then, I walked to the chair at my small desk and sank into it. I looked down at the desk. My eyes instantly went to a frame on it. A photograph frame. I picked it up and held it loosely, gazing at it with eyes clouded in tears and regret. Damn that Roxas and his camera. He had taken every opportunity to try and get a picture of them. And he succeded one time. And it was a rather compromising position. I had Demyx pinned against a wall, my eyes looking at where the camera would've been - an angry look on my face. Demyx was blushing about eight different shades of red, his hands still holding onto my waist, where he had been pulling at the belt. Both our coats were unzipped, but not removed, and we had obviously been making out and were preparing to do a bit more. Of course, I had given Roxas a healthy thump upside the head afterwards. But I'd secretly asked for a copy of the photo. I'd framed it and sat it on my desk. Now, I sat it back down, but placed it so that it was laying face-down. I wasn't going to look at it. Never again would I look at it. I didn't deserve to look upon his beautiful face anymore - nor to dream of his warm arms and soft lips and cute pouts and whines - nor remember how he whimpered when I teased him and his cries that echoed my name when he was in the climax of ecstasy.

I did not deserve to think of the boy whose heart I had broken into a million little pieces.

_**No beauty could move me,  
No goodness improve me;  
No power on Earth, if I can't love him.  
No passion could reach me,  
No lesson could teach me;  
How I could have loved him, and he'd set me free.  
If I can't love him - then who?**_

The days drug on endlessly, a never-ending cycle of monotiny and regret. I did my absolute best to avoid Demyx - but there were times when I simply couldn't. If I passed him in the hall, I did my best not to look at him, but I had to control myself from grabbing him and apologizing for everything I had done to him. He would sometimes glance at me, then put his head back down, and walk away. I would stop once he'd gotten out of site and lean against the nearest wall, face in my hands, trying to regulate my breathing and trying to keep control of my emotions. I could see that I had damaged him beyond the point of return. He would still act like the old Demyx, but, in truth, anyone who really knew him could see that his smile and his laugh no longer reached his eyes. The only person who seemed to notice was - of course - Axel. He confronted me, but I merely brushed him off.

_**"Do you know how much he loves you?! Do you KNOW what you're doing to him?! YOU'RE KILLING HIM!"**_

_**"Axel, if you want to blame someone - blame yourself."**_

And I had left promptly. I had no interest in talking to Axel. Not now, not ever. And so, the days continued to drag on - each just another day I wished never came. I didn't want to be alive. That simple. I didn't deserve it. We were still waiting to receive our hearts, but I - who had always fought so hard to get us to that goal - could care less. I could only hope that, in the end, Demyx at least received a heart. He deserved it. He deserved to be a Somebody again. He desrved all the joy and happiness the came from it. And maybe - all his memories of being a Nobody would disappear from his mind. Maybe he would forget me. The thought tore a hole in me, but I knew it would be for the better if he did.

Over a year had passed since I had broken off all communications with Demyx. The rebellion at Castle Oblivion had been ended, and the Organization XIII had twindled from 13 to 7 - with the deaths of Lexaeus, Vexen, Zexion, Marluxia, and Larxene; along with the disappearance of Roxas. Myself and Demyx were still alive. Well - we didn't technically live - but all the same. The tension between us was there, just the same - but he had seemed to forget about me. So, I did my best to do the same. Around that time, we began receiving missions to help us get our goal. I was sent out to persuade Sora to continue killing Heartless. And Demyx was sent to try and, first, persuade "Roxas" to come back to the Organization. Then, to dispose of "Roxas." When his second mission was order, I almost beat Xemnas into a bloody heap. IT WAS A SUICIDE MISSION! In EVERY sense of the word! Demyx wasn't the best fighter in the Organization. If the Superior wanted to be rid of Sora at Hollow Bastion, he should have sent me instead. But he didn't. He sent Demyx. I confronted the Superior after the meeting.

_**"Have you lost your mind?! Demyx can't fight him! He'll be beaten instantly! Send me instead, I can -"**_

_**"Silence, Number VII. I have my reasons."**_

_**"Your reasons are WRONG!"**_

_**"Shut up! It would be best if you kept your feelings for Number IX out of sight. He obviously has forgotten you - DO THE SAME!"**_

_**"You're sending the Nocture on a SUICIDE MISSION! He's going to DIE!"**_

_**"ONE LESS TO FIND A HEART FOR!"**_

_**"Damn you to hell, Xemnas! I hope you NEVER receive your heart!"**_

_**"GET OUT! GET OUT NOW BEFORE I KILL YOU MYSELF!"**_

I had left, storming down the halls of the castle, trying with all my might to contain my berserker, which had been ebbing its way out during the screaming match between myself and the Superior. I stormed to my room and flung open the door, only to stop suddenly. My hands clenched into fists and my voice came out as a growl.

"What are you doing here?"

_**Long ago I should have seen,  
All the things I could have been;  
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward.**_

Demyx was sitting on the edge of my bed, hands folded in his lap and a look of intent in his eyes. I felt something inside me flutter. Seeing him in my room, on my bd - it brought back a flood of memories that I had locked away for over a year. I wanted to run to him, take him in my arms, and kiss him like he'd never been kissed before. He looked at me - a sad smile on his pale pink lips. He waved his hand slightly, beckoning me to come near him. I took a wary step forward. He patted the mattress beside him. I walked slowly and sat down, wondering what on Earth he was doing. He looked away for a moment, out the window, but then he sighed quietly and turned to me.

"I came to say goodbye."

_**No pain could be deeper,  
No life could be cheaper;  
No point anymore, if I can't love him.**_

My thoat clenched and I stopped breathing for a moment. I gulped a bit, looking at Demyx, praying that he was joking.

"What? Why?"

"Saix." he said, smiling at me sadly, a hint of dark laughter in his voice, "I'm not stupid. I know what's going on. The Superior is sending me on a suicide mission. I'm gonna die. And I just wanted to say goodbye to you before I left."

I clenched my fists tightly, willing myself not to cry or show any emotion. I turned away from him, taking a deep breath. Then I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his cheek rest against the back of my shoulder. I almost stopped breathing when it happened. The memory of the night when I'd shattered both our lives came back - clear as ever. Along with more memories of times before that. Times that were actually happy. I took another deep breath - this one far more shakey and glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. I could see the top of his blonde mullet, and that was it, as his face was buried against my black coat. He reminded me of a scared child. I wanted to hold him so much that it hurt to resist that want - that need. Then, I felt something damp gathering on my coat and against my skin. He was crying. Ohdammit no. I couldn't stand it when he cried. Instantly, out of pure instinct, I removed his arms from my waist and turned. He looked up at me with tear-filled eyes, little rivers of tears rolling down his face. He looked so helpless. And...I could tell that he thought I was going to push him away. I wasn't going to though. I couldn't. I had kept myself away from him for over a year. I had watched him suffer. Now, he was about to die. I couldn't stand it. I grabbed him and pulled him close to me, in the most needy embrace we had ever shared. He sobbed into my chest as he clung to me for all he was worth. I ran my fingers through his hair and then buried my face in it, still fighting to hold back my own tears. At some point, he hugged me tighter, as a particulary harsh sob racked his delicate body. That sent me into tears. I didn't cry like he did; my tears were silent. They spilled out of my eyes, soaking into his soft hair. And - at that moment - over a years worth of hurt and sadness was released from both of us. We sat there in each others arms, crying for all we were worth, until we couldn't cry anymore. The front of my coat was soaked, and his hair was also. I gently lifted his face. His eyes were red and puffy and he looked like such a baby - but it was fine. I bit my lip, thinking to myself. Then he wrapped his arms around my neck and I froze.

"Sai...can you please just do one thing for me?" he asked, his voice hoarse from crying. I managed to nod. "Just...tell me you love me. Please. I know you still do."

I almost broke down again and nodded. I held his face and looked into his eyes.

"Yes, Demyx. I do still love you. And I never stopped. And I never will." I said, every word as true as they could be. He smiled a quivering and sad smile.

"I love you, too, Sai." he whispered. I leaned forward just enough to bring our lips together in a soft kiss. He whimpered slightly at the contact, and that noise made me want to kiss him like mad. I hadn't touched or kissed or even been near this boy for such a long time, and now, it was driving me crazy to have him so close. But I refused to do anything. I couldn't. If I did - I would never let him go. And I didn't want to, but I had no choice. I pulled away and he looked at me helplessly. I hugged him tightly again and kissed the top of his forehead. He spoke again, voice still quiet. "Sai...I'm sorry that I can't be with you when you get your heart back. I'm sorry our promise won't follow through..."

I gently lifted his face again.

"I promise you this, Demyx. I will not live through this. When you die, I will too. Maybe not at the same time, but soon after. I'll be there. Wait for me in the next life. Wherever you go, I'll get there. Just wait for me."

"But Sai - what about your heart?"

"All the hearts in the world would not matter if I didn't have you to love. If we are together in the next life, I would rather die to join you there. Now. Go. You have a mission."

Demyx nodded and stood. I gently held his hand for a moment. Once he was on his feet, he turned to me. He looked down and kissed my scar. I smiled sadly. He was the only person who ever did that. Most people feared the scar. But he always did that. Always. With that, his hand slipped from mine and he was gone.

_**No spirit could win me,  
No hope left within me;  
Hope I could have loved him and that he'd set me free.**_

I found out later that day that Demyx's mission had failed. Sora had defeated him. Demyx was gone. I was ordered to confront Sora, and so I did. But it didn't matter to me what the boy did now. It was obvious to me what would happen. Even if Xemnas had the feeble hope that his plan would succede, I knew that it was not to be. I knew that once Sora defeated Xaldin at the Beast's Castle, he would move on to the World That Never Was. There, he would find us. And there would be four of us left. Xigbar, Luxord, myself, and Xemnas. What we hadn't expected was Axel to aid him. He did, using his kamikaze move to clear the path for Sora, but throwing his own life away in the process. Sora was now here. Now, he had to defeat Xigbar and Luxord. And then...I could finally make good on my promise to Demyx.

_**But it's not to be.**_

I went to see Xemnas. It was finally time.

_**"Xemnas. Is Kingdom Hearts ready?"**_

_**"Very soon."**_

_**"Then, I can end this charade?"**_

_**"Indeed."**_

_**"How I've waited to hear that."**_

Of course, the Superior had no clue that I had no intention of defeating this boy. I was his last line of defense; as I was second-in-command. He trusted that I would not fail him. Oh. How truely wrong he was. I could care less for Xemnas. He was the reason for my sorrow. The reason for my suicide plan. If he hadn't sent Demyx on his mission - Demyx would still be alive. And I would not be how I was now. Then again, I had to thank the Superior. If Demyx hadn't been assigned the mission, we never would have made amends. So. It seemed like it was a no-win situation for Xemnas. I was going to die. He was going to be open to the attacks from Sora and his posse. My twisted smile was given as a thanks for to him for allowing me to finally see my love again.

_**If I can't love him.**_

I fell to the ground, my claymore clattering loudly. I had been defeated. Oh, how I wanted to thank this boy - Roxas' nobody. I didn't though. I kept my act and slowly faded from this existance.

Everything was dark around me. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. It was a dark abyss of nothingness. It was like I was floating in a void. My thoughts became angry. This couldn't be happening. Demyx wouldn't be here. This wasn't where I was supposed to go. I was supposed to meet with him. This was not how things were supposed to end, dammit! I was trapped in this dark place, and Demyx was nowhere to be seen. Dammit all. I cursed everything in the world silently, wishing something would happen. I closed my eyes and let out a ferocious scream, but nothing came out. Everything was silenced in this place. I wanted to weep in despair. Then, through my closed eyes, I thought I could see lightly filtering in. I opened them quickly and was almost blinded. My senses all come rushing back. I could see, I could hear, I could smell, and I could - I COULD FEEL! I felt things! Everything! And, I felt something in my chest that I hadn't felt in a long long time. I felt the beating of a heart. I was still in the void, but ahead of me was a shining light. I walked towards it slowly, almost cautious of it. And then, from the light, appeared a figure. I stopped, a smile slowly creeping onto my face.

"About time you showed up!" he called to me. I ran to him, taking the boy in my arms and swinging him around. Demyx laughed as he clung to me like a child. "Okay, now put me down. We've gotta go."

"Go where?" I asked, sitting him down. He grabbed my hand and smiled.

"Just follow me." he said as he led me through the bright light. I raised my other hand to shield my eyes as Demyx led me. A moment later, the bright light vanished. But, it wasn't black anymore. We were standing on a beach; the sun shining down on us, the waves crashing against the sand, a wind blowing through my hair. I looked down at my blonde lover and surveyed him. He looked so happy. And amazingly beautiful. His Organization clothes were long gone, replaced by a blue wife beater and a pair of khaki shorts, and he was running around barefoot. I almost laughed. He looked at me and I knew that I did have I heart - because I felt love. True love. Just like I had always wanted to. "Come on, everybody's waiting. And...we gotta get you some new clothes."

I laughed and followed Demyx as he ran across the beach. Up ahead, I saw a dock. Standing on the dock was a group of people. My jaw dropped as we continued running towards them. All of them were there, all looking happier than they had ever looked - and dressed in clothes be-fitting of the summer weather. Hell...even LARXENE was smiling! Wow. This had to be one HELL of a life. Demyx pulled me towards them.

"Look who finally decided to join us!" he yelled to them. Everyone laughed and greeted me warmly. I was shocked, but over-joyed. I smiled at them, giving them an "If you'll excuse us," look. Then, I grabbed Demyx, flung him around, picked him up, and kissed him passionately. He was caught off-guard, but instantly reacted, kissing me back and holding onto me. And everyone let out an "AW!" all at once. I made a mental note to myself to beat the shit out of all of them later. But, for now, I was pre-occupied. I pulled away from Demyx and gazed lovingly into his eyes. And as we stood there, everything we had ever done had payed off. We were together. We had hearts. We were in someplace away from the fighting and cruelty of our pasts. This was what we'd dreamed of. It had become a reality. I kissed him again, holding him tightly. I was never going to let go of him again.

_**Let the world be done with me.**_

♥ **le e n d** ♥

Whoa. That took a complete turn from where I originally thought it would go. Yeah. I had it imagined so that they would only meet again after Saix died. But I dunno, it kinda just got to the middle and wrote itself. Some of the lyrics didn't fit near the end because of it. But I DO LOVE the last line. Because he was willing to die just to be with Demyx again. And it just fits perfectly.

Well. Hope you liked it.

And, remember. Every time you don't review...uhhhh...another cruddy Mary Sue is born. And they rape Demyx. D: SAVE HIM!

♥


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